starting from the beginning..
I met Isaac through the website that I was using for help with anxiety and depression. he kiked me, and we instantly hit it off. unlike every other boy that messages me on there, he didn't want a picture right off the bat or to know my bra size. he was actually the first person to discuss with me the subject of depression. he has been depressed for quite a while now, attempted suicide 4 times, and just like me, trying to find a purpose in this world. I gave him my usual spill. "I don't trust, I don't love" etc. He promised me the world, he messaged me everyday telling me that he adored me and that I was special. he was the first person that I believed when being told I was loved. even when my self-destructive habits kicked in he stuck with me and assured me that he'd always be there for me.
fast forward just a little- we've been talking for a little bit and started getting into sexting.
--------just to clarify, I honestly don't mind sexting.
pictures not included, I'd sext random people who kiked me,
just because it was something to do and it fed a part
of my self-destructive appetite.
no feelings, no attachments.----------
But with Isaac there was an attachment, we talked about how I've felt taken advantage of before and how I didn't want it to be that with him. he promised because "he adores me".
so, we sext a couple times. everything's fine. he changes jobs and with the time zone difference (he lives in the UK) we hardly talked and whenever we got a chance he wanted to sext. I told me that I didn't mind but I didn't want that to be all we ever talked about. he promised because "he adores me". it became out of control very fast. I kept telling him that I wanted a relationship, not a sexting-relationship. he kept telling me that he'd change and a few hours be back at it. I told him that I was done. that I couldn't do it anymore. that I really cared for him and liked him but that I needed a connection and a real realtionship, not just sexting all the time. At the end of the conversation we (what I was under the impression of) went our separate ways.
He messages me today wanting to sext and we get into again. I told him that we had talked about this and that we were done. that's when the conversation took a turn for the worse.
"Then now your my enemy" was all
he wrote, followed by the suggestive pictures that
I had sent him.
my whole world crashed around me. He was blackmailing me. he proceeded to tell me that i had rejected him and that "he doesn't take that well." I had never been more hurt in my life. I asked him how he could do this to someone he claimed to love and adore. he told me to "shutup or do what he wanted".
to say that my heart is broken would be a complete understatement. I am so crushed and hurt. a pain that I didnt think I could feel. a pain that killed what wasn't already dead inside of me. In that moment I felt so lied to and betrayed. so hurt.
trust at this point isn't even existent. I dont think I will ever be able to open my heart up like that to another person. and writing about is making the pain sink in all over again. so that's it.
this has been the story about how a boy killed what good was left inside of me.
