oh, I'll be over here.

I need to cut the toxic people out of my life, starting with Mel.
she's going to be the hardest to cut off. she'll turn it into a huge fight and take it to social media and just make a big, unnecessary deal out of it.
I'm at a crucial healing time in my life and I've kept the negativity swirling around me for too long. I need happiness and positive people in my life, and she's just not. and it's not bc she smokes, or drinks or pops pills, because I do the same things, she's just not a very good person at the core.
I don't think I could ever tell her that either, or get it through. she'll probably make it about the drugs and lash out because I do the same stuff.
I just to need to start cutting her off slowly and at the same time surround myself with positive situations and people. I thought about cutting her off and heading to Illinois for a few months at the rehab program, it actually sounds like a sound place, and not hospitaly at all.

last night was nearly the final straw for me and continuing our friendship.

hurt

I thought that the pain that I had been through with my past relationships was the worst pain that I would ever feel. and if anything, I would just face that same hurt again in the future. but today, I felt a new kind of hurt and a new kind of betrayal.
starting from the beginning..
I met Isaac through the website that I was using for help with anxiety and depression. he kiked me, and we instantly hit it off. unlike every other boy that messages me on there, he didn't want a picture right off the bat or to know my bra size. he was actually the first person to discuss with me the subject of depression. he has been depressed for quite a while now, attempted suicide 4 times, and just like me, trying to find a purpose in this world. I gave him my usual spill. "I don't trust, I don't love" etc. He promised me the world, he messaged me everyday telling me that he adored me and that I was special. he was the first person that I believed when being told I was loved. even when my self-destructive habits kicked in he stuck with me and assured me that he'd always be there for me.
fast forward just a little- we've been talking for a little bit and started getting into sexting.

--------just to clarify, I honestly don't mind sexting.

 pictures not included, I'd sext random people who kiked me,

just because it was something to do and it fed a part

of my self-destructive appetite.

no feelings, no attachments.----------



 

But with Isaac there was an attachment, we talked about how I've felt taken advantage of before and how I didn't want it to be that with him. he promised because "he adores me".

so, we sext a couple times. everything's fine. he changes jobs and with the time zone difference (he lives in the UK) we hardly talked and whenever we got a chance he wanted to sext. I told me that I didn't mind but I didn't want that to be all we ever talked about. he promised because "he adores me". it became out of control very fast. I kept telling him that I wanted a relationship, not a sexting-relationship. he kept telling me that he'd change and a few hours be back at it. I told him that I was done. that I couldn't do it anymore. that I really cared for him and liked him but that I needed a connection and a real realtionship, not just sexting all the time. At the end of the conversation we (what I was under the impression of) went our separate ways.

He messages me today wanting to sext and we get into again. I told him that we had talked about this and that we were done. that's when the conversation took a turn for the worse.

"Then now your my enemy" was all

he wrote, followed by the suggestive pictures that

I had sent him.

my whole world crashed around me. He was blackmailing me. he proceeded to tell me that i had rejected him and that "he doesn't take that well." I had never been more hurt in my life. I asked him how he could do this to someone he claimed to love and adore. he told me to "shutup or do what he wanted".

to say that my heart is broken would be a complete understatement. I am so crushed and hurt. a pain that I didnt think I could feel. a pain that killed what wasn't already dead inside of me. In that moment I felt so lied to and betrayed. so hurt.

trust at this point isn't even existent. I dont think I will ever be able to open my heart up like that to another person. and writing about is making the pain sink in all over again. so that's it.

this has been the story about how a boy killed what good was left inside of me. 

pay phone

boys don't like me. they like the fact that I can get drunk and make out with them. 

ribcage wishes and collarbone dreams.

I'm sitting here wallowing in my anxiety trying to figure out if tomorrow is the day I tell her everything.
I haven't been to therapy in months, and when I went is was because I was "working out some anxiety issues." she has no idea about any of it. the self-harm, the suicidal thoughts. nothing.
I want to tell her, I want to get help with it, I'm just afraid she's going to commit me.
which, in all honesty, wouldn't be too bad. It'd be nice to get away from my life for a little while and be around people who understand.
I just don't want my parents to know about any of this.
they've asked me several times abut self-harm and suicide. I've lied every time.
I don't want to throw this at them.
I've thought about it a lot, their reaction to it all.
even in my mind it's too much to handle.
I just want to get better, but I guess not telling the person who is hired to help me isn't going to get me anywhere.

shadow

you'll never realize how much this meant to me. I was so ready last night. so ready to end it all. sobbing on the bathroom floor with the shower running and the music blasting. you were there. you all were. you guys kept me alive last night and that's something that will stay with me for the rest of my life. you guys make me so happy. you gave me a reason to live. my own friends couldn't respond back to me last night but you guys were there for me all night. thank you so much. <3

there is nothing you can do to save me.

I don't believe in being in love. I think it's all bullshit, really.
I love people. I love my family and my friends, but that's different than being in love.
I think "being in love" is just a dull illusion used to keep a relationship together when in all actuality the people involved should just walk away. but that's the thing isn't it? people don't know when to walk away, or they're too scared to. people cannot stand the thought of being alone and they'll go through hell to insure that they aren't. fear is love. love is fear. that's all it is. that's kind of fucked up. somewhere along the road we were taught that this life is too tough and too scary to handle alone. we were taught that we need somebody there to hold our hand through it all and that being alone is scary. fuck that.
I think that marriage is bullshit too. it goes back to being afraid to be alone.
the idea that I am one day going to find somebody to spend the rest of my life with is ridiculous.
nobody is stupid enough to want to be with me for the rest of their life and I'm not stupid enough to get myself into that kind of mess.
I used to be a firm believer in waiting until marriage but that just seems silly now. I don't think that I am ever going to get married, so why wait? and why be shamed if I don't? I don't judge you because you are waiting until marriage, don't judge me for not. I decided a long time ago that I was done getting my heart broken. I don't like relationships, they're messy. feelings get in the way. feelings are stupid. I think I'm just trying to find a nice way to say that I'm going to wind up using people. I refuse to get hurt again. I refuse to be in a relationship where there is nothing but hurt and anger and jealousy. I hate when people wonder why I am so cold. have you taken a look around you? this world is cold. I am just the product of a cold and broken world. what else would you expect out of a fucked up place.

"best way to not get your heart broken, is pretend you don't have one." -Charlie Sheen

world at large.

it started in fourth grade. the kid I sat across from in class called me a whale and a cow on a daily basis. he hated me for no good reason. he got joy out of bullying me. I never told anybody about the things that he said to me. I believed him. I believed that I was all those awful things that he called me. I carried that with me throughout fifth grade where I was the weird girl who was in GT. I knew that I was different and everyone else did too. they never let me forget it either. I had one friend who was a grade below me. she liked all the same things as me and we bonded very quickly. I hated school though, I hated the people who constantly brought me down. I was homeschooled in sixth grade. I returned in seventh grade praying that things would be different. I met amber that year, I remember I sat next to her in math. she was this super girly, outgoing blonde haired girl that honestly intimidated me. I wanted to be her friend though. we became fast friends, best friends. eighth grade was the year that the five of us were the closest. things finally seemed to be going well, until boys became an issue. all of my friends were so much prettier than me. I wasn't really into all the makeup and girly things. I was never the one that the boys wanted. I kept thinking back to fourth grade and all the awful things that he said to me. I started to believe it all over again. high school is a bit of a blur. I get my years and their events mixed up. Tenth grade is when I started to self harm. everything just became too much to handle and I felt that I never lived up to anybody's expectations. I was still not the one that the boys wanted. I remained single and undesirable while all of my friends blossomed further. I suffered, and still am suffering, with major self esteem issues. in my eyes everyone is better than me, prettier than me and smarter than me. my best friend was gorgeous and all the guys loved her, she got amazing grades and was well liked by everyone. every single day I dealt with the pressure of having a perfect best friend. it's my senior year and I'm homeschooled. I have friends and one very close friend. She has gotten me through this and I don't think that she realizes it. I spend the majority of my time sleeping off my depression and partying but I'm taking it day by day. I know that I wont be able to depend on alcohol and weed forever. I'm trying. I'm trying to forget my past and create my future. I know that I can do this.

"time heals everything."