world at large.

it started in fourth grade. the kid I sat across from in class called me a whale and a cow on a daily basis. he hated me for no good reason. he got joy out of bullying me. I never told anybody about the things that he said to me. I believed him. I believed that I was all those awful things that he called me. I carried that with me throughout fifth grade where I was the weird girl who was in GT. I knew that I was different and everyone else did too. they never let me forget it either. I had one friend who was a grade below me. she liked all the same things as me and we bonded very quickly. I hated school though, I hated the people who constantly brought me down. I was homeschooled in sixth grade. I returned in seventh grade praying that things would be different. I met amber that year, I remember I sat next to her in math. she was this super girly, outgoing blonde haired girl that honestly intimidated me. I wanted to be her friend though. we became fast friends, best friends. eighth grade was the year that the five of us were the closest. things finally seemed to be going well, until boys became an issue. all of my friends were so much prettier than me. I wasn't really into all the makeup and girly things. I was never the one that the boys wanted. I kept thinking back to fourth grade and all the awful things that he said to me. I started to believe it all over again. high school is a bit of a blur. I get my years and their events mixed up. Tenth grade is when I started to self harm. everything just became too much to handle and I felt that I never lived up to anybody's expectations. I was still not the one that the boys wanted. I remained single and undesirable while all of my friends blossomed further. I suffered, and still am suffering, with major self esteem issues. in my eyes everyone is better than me, prettier than me and smarter than me. my best friend was gorgeous and all the guys loved her, she got amazing grades and was well liked by everyone. every single day I dealt with the pressure of having a perfect best friend. it's my senior year and I'm homeschooled. I have friends and one very close friend. She has gotten me through this and I don't think that she realizes it. I spend the majority of my time sleeping off my depression and partying but I'm taking it day by day. I know that I wont be able to depend on alcohol and weed forever. I'm trying. I'm trying to forget my past and create my future. I know that I can do this.

"time heals everything."