tell me something sweet to get me by.

people always ask me why I want to move back to Florida after I graduate. I usually just tell them that I love the beach or something along those lines, but the truth is, Florida is my home. I moved when I was in kindergarten and have visited frequently throughout the years, and each time I visit I am more convinced that that's where my heart is. I have never fully accepted Texas as my home in the 12 years that I have lived here. Florida is my home, and always will be. That is where my heart is and where it will remain.

this is the end.

I remember tracing your hand with my fingers fighting the urge to grab it and never let go. I knew that if I grabbed your hand you would be able to feel my pulse and feel my palms sweating. you would be able to feel my heart beating and you'd see what you did to me. you weren't allowed to see that.

Fa la la la la. Fuck my life.

when you opened the door to let us in I wanted to tackle you in a hug and not let go. I had forgotten how good it was to see your face and hear you voice. I couldn't even look you in the eyes, I'm pretty sure I would've started crying had I. You barely said two words to me before leaving us in your brother's room. I think that's when it finally hit me that we were done. Up until that point I thought that we would just fight it out some more until we eventually made up, that's how it always happened. In that moment I realized that all the awful, shitty things that you had said to me, you actually meant.
Freshman year I had this major, die-hard crush on a boy two years older than me. I remember not being able to stop thinking about him day in and day out and whenever I saw him I got butterflies and my face would turn bright red, my friend's couldn't mention his name without me blushing. When I realized that he was into my best friend and that I didn't stand a chance with him I completely fell apart. I remember I had this awful ache in my stomach all the time like there were rocks just laying there at the bottom and my heart literally felt like there was this huge gaping hole right smack in the middle of it. It was the first time that I had physical heartache. I will never forget that feeling.
Sophomore year I fell in love with a guitarist, he even named his guitar after me. We talked for eight months and come to find out the last three weeks of our "relationship" he had a girlfriend. That feeling came back. The rocks in the stomach and the hole in the heart. I stayed in bed for three days after that.
Tonight, that's exactly how I feel. Rocks in my stomach and a hole in my heart. I miss you and I truly care about you. All those terrible things you accused me of never happened, and I hope you realize that one day. It was you, it was always you.

cole.

you looked just like him. I had to do a double take because the resemblance was uncanny. I had to spend the majority of the night around you and it killed me. I didn't see you, I saw him.

give me something to believe.

whenever I catch myself twitching at night I think back to how every time I did you use to kiss my forehead and rub my back to comfort me. I miss that.

I've been locked inside this house all while you hold the key.

I cannot stand to see pictures of you two together.

asdfghjkl.

you are absolutely precious. when I look at you I see such innocence and youth. something I'm afraid of tearing away from you. you look at me with those eyes and my heart melts. when you hold my hand I blush and have to turn away. and when you hug me I just know that you can feel my heart beating. you're two grades below me but I just don't care. age is so irrelevant when someone makes me feel the way you do. you make me happy. we never fight, we just act like kids. and I love that. I love that we don't act mature and things aren't so serious. you're the first person that I can feel silly around. your innocence is something I adore about you and I'm so afraid that I'll take that away. I don't want you to see the world like I do. I love how you see the world, I wish I could still see it the way you do. you're adorable and truly make me feel like asdfghjkl.

Why Can't I Feel Anything From Anyone Other Than You?

You're driving me crazy. No matter how hard I try I just cannot stay away from you. Everytime you look at me my mind goes blank and I catch myself blushing. I know that I should stay away from you because the past has proved more than once that this isn't going to end well, but I just can't help myself. I never thought that a certain person could be a weakness, but you are mine. You make my heart race and my palms sweat. You are on a different level entirely. You are consumed by your youth and making it last. You focus on the parties and maintaining your reputation. You have me consumed. Whenever my mind wanders it, it wanders to you. I know that I will never get to call you mine becuase you are nobody's. You are in your own world and I in mine. I'm afraid that you will consume the majority of my thoughts and the majority of my days.
get me out of this town, you are toxic.
#boyrants

I've built up a World of Magic because my Real Life is Tragic

head up.
fake smile.
keep walking.
days almost over.
you can do this.

<\3

The Meaning of Life.

I think without music my life would be an even more vast nothingness. I know that when I'm feeling completely down I can turn on my pandora and feel like I can do anything. and bands aren't just bands. they are uniters (if that's even a real word?) they save lives. they are real life super heroes. I have never met Vic Fuentes or Oli Sykes but I can't tell you how many times they have saved my life. music has the power to bring people together. I have met so many wonderful people and have made some incredible friends through music. without music life would be a mistake and there would be no reason to live. music is life. music is freedom.

Black Dahlia.

I loved you, you made me, hate me.
You gave me hate see?
It saved me and these tears are deadly.
You feel that?
I rip back, every time you tried to steal that.
You feel bad?
You feel sad?
Im sorry hell no fuck that!
It was my heart, it was my life, it was my start, it was your knife.
This strife it dies, this life and these lies.
These lungs have sung this song for too long, and its true I hurt to remember I loved you
I've lost it all fell today its all the same
I'm sorry oh (I'm sorry)
I'm sorry no (no)
I've been abused, I feel so used, because of you
i'm sorry oh (I'm sorry)
I'm sorry no (no)
I wish I could have quit you
I wish I never missed you and told you that I loved you every time I fucked you
The future that we both drew and all the shit we've been through
Obsessed with the thought of you the pain just grew and grew!
How could you do this too me
Look at what I made for you it never was enough and the world is what I gave you
I used to be love struck and now I'm just fucked up
Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts!
Seems like all we had is over now, you left to rest.
And your tears are dried up now, you just lay without a sound.
Seems like all we had is over now, you left to rest.
And my fears are over now, I can leave with my head down.

definitely my favorite song ❤

I'm the Captain of my Soul.

Today I'm starting over.
I'm going to consider my slate cleared. I'm finally going to decide what I want to do with my life and I'm going to put my energy and passion into achieving it.
I've been looking into music therapy a lot recently, maybe it's time to get serious about it. I need to stop just thinking about these things and actually strive to make them happen. I'm about to graduate and I don't have a plan. I want to go to Florida, but that's not an educational plan, that's a "get me the hell out of this town before I kill somebody" plan.
Throughout my junior high and high school career I thought that a job/career would jump out at me, like I wouldn't have to search for something that I wanted to do with my life, it would just kind of find me. I'm starting to figure out that my life isn't some cheesy Hallmark movie where everything turns out perfect, I'm actually going to have to work and find something that I'm passionate about.
It is never to late to find a dream to follow.
And who knows, maybe something will jump out at me, but not without a little effort on my part first.

go team.

Today I had to look my cheer coach of 5 years in the eyes and tell her that I was done cheering.
I know that I am going to be looked at as a quitter after this, but it honestly doesn't matter. It's time for me to start putting my happiness first. She told me that I "have to take care of myself first" and I couldn't agree more. I am so thankful to have had her in my life for 5 years. They were amazing years filled with memories that I will never forget, she has taught me so much and I know that she will support me in whatever I decide to do. I don't think I could ever thank her enough for being one of my biggest supporters. She truly cares about her cheerleaders and that's why this is so hard for me. I feel like I'm letting her down. But in the end my happiness is going to matter more. I feel like I have been betrayed by my friends recently and to stand next to them 3 days a week and act like everything is fine is something that I just can't do anymore. If I can remove myself from a toxic environment why wouldn't I? Even if things with them improve I think this will be best for me in the long-run. I already feel 100% better. So until things start to die down I suppose I'll just lay low and fly under the radar. This is just a chapter in my life and I want to be able to look back on it and say that I handled it well.

coffee&tumblr time.

6 more months until graduation ♥

Lose the Fear, It's Just a Crutch.

boy rants:
I have two boy rants to address and I'm putting them in the same post.

That night in your truck you told me you had changed, you told me over and over again. You told me how different things were now and that you were happy to be there with me and only me. I believed you. I believed anything that came out of your mouth. You had me wraped around your finger from the day that I met you. It was something about your blue eyes that pulled me and wouldn't let me go. I fell for you the second I saw you. That night you told me everything that I had been dying to hear. I had been waiting so long for that moment. It was the perfect moment, I finally believed that things would be different and that finally things would start falling into place. I wanted to believe that after that moment things would be different because I had been holding onto the hope of you and me for so damn long. You let me down again. You let me fall again, and just like the countless times before, you had no intention on catching me.

I never fight. I never fight for what I want. I always expect people to fight for me. I fought for you though, I've been fighting for you. I tried so hard and look where it has gotten me. You won't even talk to me. I'm still fighting and I don't know why you can't see that. I don't just want to walk away but it's getting to that point. I'm sorry for whatever I have done to make you like this.
You made me step back and evaluate what I was doing in my life, you made me into a better person in the short time span that we have known eachother. You showed more care and respect towards me than anybody ever has, I owe you a lot for that. It's hard when this is how things are turning out.

meh.

merp. I have been sitting on youtube allll day watching Dan Howell's videos. what is my life?!

The Downfall of us All.

I myself am made entirely of flaws stitched together with good intentions.

I realize that I have made mistakes and that I am bound to make a few million more. When you become comfortable with the idea of imperfection life will start to flow a little bit easier. I have gone the majority of my life striving to be perfect, something that is impossible to achieve, and when you are trying to achieve the impossible failure is inevitable. I have never felt good enough for anybody in my life. I have spent my life feeling like a burden to those around me. Only recently have I taken a step back and evaluated myself and my life. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, and I am okay with that. I will not be able to always please everybody around me, and I am okay with that. Instead of focusing on others happiness I need to start working on the happiness of myself, because at the end of the day I only have myself. I am familiarizing myself with the idea of imperfection and so far it's going quite well.
Some Advice:
This is your life and you should live it the way that suits you. Living it for others will only make you a miserable human being. You have the ability to be happy, don't let others hold you back.
Our insecurities will be the downfall of us all. Don't let them run your life. Be okay with imperfection, because imperfection is such a wonderful thing.
Follow your dreams. Don't let other people hold you down and hold you back from your dreams. Don't let them make you feel like you aren't good enough because I can guarantee you that you are good enough. You only have this one life to live, don't waste it living for others. Live for yourself, make it count.

You only live once so go fucking nuts. --Mitch Lucker ♥