I left my heart at home.

um, hey.
I know this is really random but I miss you. I miss our countless conversations. the ones where we talked about running away to florida together and starting a family. the ones that were made up of mayday parade lyrics. I miss the morning messages. yours were my favorite. I miss staying up all night talking to you about our future. I miss how you would call me when you were drunk. it comforted me to know that I was on your mind. you called me drunk one time and told me how we were going to get married at six flags, you were so serious about it. I miss your 'I love yous'. I miss telling you how much I loved you. because I truly did. I miss everything about you. it's ridiculous.
I hated who you turned into. I hated how fast you moved on. and I hated feeling like I meant nothing to you when you meant everything to me. I hated how you kissed me when I was drunk. how you kept kissing me and telling me that you missed me. it was all lies, but I ate it up. you asked me if I would've slept with you if you hadn't had to leave and I said no. truth is, I would have. I am so glad that I didn't. because it wouldn't have meant anything to you and it would've meant so much to me. everybody that has walked out on me has taken a piece of my heart with them. you took the biggest piece. and I have a feeing I'm never going to get it back.

darling, I hope you're good tonight.

I don't even know if I like you. All I know is that I keep making efforts to keep you in my life.

doll face

since I've been withdrawn from school I've learned a few things.
first off I've learned who my true friends are. and it's been a bit shocking. it's not always the people who have been there the longest, and that's upsetting because you really expect those people to always be there for you. I've leaned to let those people go. to not worry about it. they walked out and there is nothing that I can do about it. I have to move on with my life and the longer I dwell on the past the harder it's going to be. I've accepted them walking out and I've also accepted the love and understanding of those who have remained by my side. it's not about the number of people who stayed, it's about the realness of those who did and the raw devotion they have to the friendship.
secondly I learned that my happiness solely depends on me. I am in control of my happiness. granted that dealing with depression makes it harder, I am still in control non the less. several times I've had to step back, take a breath and really ask myself what I want in life. or remind myself. it is so easy to get strayed from the path of happiness when there is so much negativity circulating around. you truly do just have to remind yourself what it is that makes you happy in this life and what you want out of it and get yourself back on track.
this journey has been difficult and I'm sure it won't get much easier. I just have to constantly remind myself to keep my head up and soldier on. things WILL get better. maybe not today, or tomorrow or even next week but they will. it takes time. times heals. always remember that.

I'll be here by the ocean just waiting for proof.

depression is like being in the middle of an ocean. one minute you're floating on your back, the sun is shining down on your face and a slight breeze is kissing your skin. you are in a state of serenity and anything feels possible. you feel amazing and ready to let the ocean hold you there as long as it wants to.
the next minute a giant wave comes crashing over you and pulls you under. you begin to panic and struggle towards the surface but the water is too powerful. it's gripping you with icy fingers and refuses to let go. you can feel the water filling your lungs. you think "how could this happen? everything was just fine, I didn't even see it coming." and you're just there, drowning under the water, no longer struggling towards the surface. falling down, down, down into this fast unknown of dark nothingness wondering if you'll make it back to the surface alive and honestly not even caring.
that's how depression works. you go from zero to sixty in the matter of seconds. from actually enjoying life to not even caring if you wake up in the morning.
it's even worse when people think that depression is something that can be controlled. yeah, there are medicines but they don't always work. in my case the doctors have been trying different medicines and different dosages, none seem to be fully working yet and it's frustrating. depression is not an act and it's something that I can't fix over night. believe me, if I could, I would.

dear future lover:
I will be a pain in the ass. I will annoy you with a thousand irrelevant questions. I am needy. I am an emotional wreck, please don't give up on me. I will have countless emotional breakdowns, but please don't leave me. I will want to do the silliest things, like lay out all night on the roof looking at the stars. I'll forget the small things, but not because I don't care, but because there are a million things running through my mind. I will make you listen to the same song twenty times in a row because it gave me a nostalgic feeling. Sometimes my depression will get the better of me and I'll want to stay in bed all day, please stay with me. tell me stories from your childhood to take my mind off of everything, even if just for a minute. I wont be able to sleep at night, I'll be up tossing and turning all night, just kiss me on the forehead and assure me that everything is going to be okay. I will stress about the future and about things that probably wont even happen. give me a hug and tell me that I'm just being dramatic. I will love you more than I could ever love myself. I will do everything in my power to make you happy. I will never leave your side, and I will support you in anything that you decide to do. thank you for loving every part of me. I love you to the ends of this world and back an infinite amount of times.
-A

on sleepless roads the sleepless go.

the nighttime is worst. my medication wears off and I am completely left alone with my thoughts. I lay there and think about everything that is wrong with me and everything that I am doing wrong in my life. I just need somebody to talk to at night, to get my mind off of everything until I can fall asleep. most nights I don't get to sleep until 2am. I just lay there and think and make myself feel awful. I hate it. I just want sleep. I don't want to be tortured by my thoughts anymore.

3,2,1 where did it go.

two years ago if somebody would've asked me what I thought my senior year would be like I would not have said anything close to what's happened. two years ago I thought that senior year was going be my year. I thought that surely I would have it all together, that everything would be perfect and that all my troubles would have vanished. I never thought that I would be in weekly therapy sessions battling depression. I say battling because it is a battle. everyday is a struggle to get better. it's honestly not even being able to make it from day to day, it's getting from one hour to another. I never thought that I would be on anti-depressants and anxiety medications. I never thought that I would quit cheer. I thought that I would have my college plans all figured out. I thought for sure that I would be getting a scholarship to the school of my dreams. I didn't plan on moving away just to suppress a mental breakdown.  I think that's the funny thing about life though. it is never what we expect. life will throw us the craziest curve balls and the wildest situations and we are expected to trudge through them and in most cases we do. things are going nowhere near how I thought that they would be going but that's honestly okay. I believe that everything happens for a reason and one day I'm going to be able to see why all this has happened.
"I am weakness. I am greatness."

you're just drunk, thinking about the past again.

you want to come and see me this weekend. when you told me I wasn't sure how to react. we haven't talked in months, we just kind of jumped in where we left off, which I was fine with because I had missed you terribly. I have this fear in the pit of my stomach that you'll be greatly disappointed once you meet me. darling, I'm a mess. or that you'll just use me and leave. I don't think that I could handle that. I don't think that I can handle seeing you, I can almost guarantee you that I'll fall in love with you. I don't want to take that chance, because I don't think you'd stay.