hurt

I thought that the pain that I had been through with my past relationships was the worst pain that I would ever feel. and if anything, I would just face that same hurt again in the future. but today, I felt a new kind of hurt and a new kind of betrayal.
starting from the beginning..
I met Isaac through the website that I was using for help with anxiety and depression. he kiked me, and we instantly hit it off. unlike every other boy that messages me on there, he didn't want a picture right off the bat or to know my bra size. he was actually the first person to discuss with me the subject of depression. he has been depressed for quite a while now, attempted suicide 4 times, and just like me, trying to find a purpose in this world. I gave him my usual spill. "I don't trust, I don't love" etc. He promised me the world, he messaged me everyday telling me that he adored me and that I was special. he was the first person that I believed when being told I was loved. even when my self-destructive habits kicked in he stuck with me and assured me that he'd always be there for me.
fast forward just a little- we've been talking for a little bit and started getting into sexting.

--------just to clarify, I honestly don't mind sexting.

 pictures not included, I'd sext random people who kiked me,

just because it was something to do and it fed a part

of my self-destructive appetite.

no feelings, no attachments.----------



 

But with Isaac there was an attachment, we talked about how I've felt taken advantage of before and how I didn't want it to be that with him. he promised because "he adores me".

so, we sext a couple times. everything's fine. he changes jobs and with the time zone difference (he lives in the UK) we hardly talked and whenever we got a chance he wanted to sext. I told me that I didn't mind but I didn't want that to be all we ever talked about. he promised because "he adores me". it became out of control very fast. I kept telling him that I wanted a relationship, not a sexting-relationship. he kept telling me that he'd change and a few hours be back at it. I told him that I was done. that I couldn't do it anymore. that I really cared for him and liked him but that I needed a connection and a real realtionship, not just sexting all the time. At the end of the conversation we (what I was under the impression of) went our separate ways.

He messages me today wanting to sext and we get into again. I told him that we had talked about this and that we were done. that's when the conversation took a turn for the worse.

"Then now your my enemy" was all

he wrote, followed by the suggestive pictures that

I had sent him.

my whole world crashed around me. He was blackmailing me. he proceeded to tell me that i had rejected him and that "he doesn't take that well." I had never been more hurt in my life. I asked him how he could do this to someone he claimed to love and adore. he told me to "shutup or do what he wanted".

to say that my heart is broken would be a complete understatement. I am so crushed and hurt. a pain that I didnt think I could feel. a pain that killed what wasn't already dead inside of me. In that moment I felt so lied to and betrayed. so hurt.

trust at this point isn't even existent. I dont think I will ever be able to open my heart up like that to another person. and writing about is making the pain sink in all over again. so that's it.

this has been the story about how a boy killed what good was left inside of me. 

pay phone

boys don't like me. they like the fact that I can get drunk and make out with them. 

ribcage wishes and collarbone dreams.

I'm sitting here wallowing in my anxiety trying to figure out if tomorrow is the day I tell her everything.
I haven't been to therapy in months, and when I went is was because I was "working out some anxiety issues." she has no idea about any of it. the self-harm, the suicidal thoughts. nothing.
I want to tell her, I want to get help with it, I'm just afraid she's going to commit me.
which, in all honesty, wouldn't be too bad. It'd be nice to get away from my life for a little while and be around people who understand.
I just don't want my parents to know about any of this.
they've asked me several times abut self-harm and suicide. I've lied every time.
I don't want to throw this at them.
I've thought about it a lot, their reaction to it all.
even in my mind it's too much to handle.
I just want to get better, but I guess not telling the person who is hired to help me isn't going to get me anywhere.

shadow

you'll never realize how much this meant to me. I was so ready last night. so ready to end it all. sobbing on the bathroom floor with the shower running and the music blasting. you were there. you all were. you guys kept me alive last night and that's something that will stay with me for the rest of my life. you guys make me so happy. you gave me a reason to live. my own friends couldn't respond back to me last night but you guys were there for me all night. thank you so much. <3

there is nothing you can do to save me.

I don't believe in being in love. I think it's all bullshit, really.
I love people. I love my family and my friends, but that's different than being in love.
I think "being in love" is just a dull illusion used to keep a relationship together when in all actuality the people involved should just walk away. but that's the thing isn't it? people don't know when to walk away, or they're too scared to. people cannot stand the thought of being alone and they'll go through hell to insure that they aren't. fear is love. love is fear. that's all it is. that's kind of fucked up. somewhere along the road we were taught that this life is too tough and too scary to handle alone. we were taught that we need somebody there to hold our hand through it all and that being alone is scary. fuck that.
I think that marriage is bullshit too. it goes back to being afraid to be alone.
the idea that I am one day going to find somebody to spend the rest of my life with is ridiculous.
nobody is stupid enough to want to be with me for the rest of their life and I'm not stupid enough to get myself into that kind of mess.
I used to be a firm believer in waiting until marriage but that just seems silly now. I don't think that I am ever going to get married, so why wait? and why be shamed if I don't? I don't judge you because you are waiting until marriage, don't judge me for not. I decided a long time ago that I was done getting my heart broken. I don't like relationships, they're messy. feelings get in the way. feelings are stupid. I think I'm just trying to find a nice way to say that I'm going to wind up using people. I refuse to get hurt again. I refuse to be in a relationship where there is nothing but hurt and anger and jealousy. I hate when people wonder why I am so cold. have you taken a look around you? this world is cold. I am just the product of a cold and broken world. what else would you expect out of a fucked up place.

"best way to not get your heart broken, is pretend you don't have one." -Charlie Sheen

world at large.

it started in fourth grade. the kid I sat across from in class called me a whale and a cow on a daily basis. he hated me for no good reason. he got joy out of bullying me. I never told anybody about the things that he said to me. I believed him. I believed that I was all those awful things that he called me. I carried that with me throughout fifth grade where I was the weird girl who was in GT. I knew that I was different and everyone else did too. they never let me forget it either. I had one friend who was a grade below me. she liked all the same things as me and we bonded very quickly. I hated school though, I hated the people who constantly brought me down. I was homeschooled in sixth grade. I returned in seventh grade praying that things would be different. I met amber that year, I remember I sat next to her in math. she was this super girly, outgoing blonde haired girl that honestly intimidated me. I wanted to be her friend though. we became fast friends, best friends. eighth grade was the year that the five of us were the closest. things finally seemed to be going well, until boys became an issue. all of my friends were so much prettier than me. I wasn't really into all the makeup and girly things. I was never the one that the boys wanted. I kept thinking back to fourth grade and all the awful things that he said to me. I started to believe it all over again. high school is a bit of a blur. I get my years and their events mixed up. Tenth grade is when I started to self harm. everything just became too much to handle and I felt that I never lived up to anybody's expectations. I was still not the one that the boys wanted. I remained single and undesirable while all of my friends blossomed further. I suffered, and still am suffering, with major self esteem issues. in my eyes everyone is better than me, prettier than me and smarter than me. my best friend was gorgeous and all the guys loved her, she got amazing grades and was well liked by everyone. every single day I dealt with the pressure of having a perfect best friend. it's my senior year and I'm homeschooled. I have friends and one very close friend. She has gotten me through this and I don't think that she realizes it. I spend the majority of my time sleeping off my depression and partying but I'm taking it day by day. I know that I wont be able to depend on alcohol and weed forever. I'm trying. I'm trying to forget my past and create my future. I know that I can do this.

"time heals everything."

bitch don't kill my vibe.

I just want somebody to come over and listen to me complain about my life while we listen to music and smoke weed. I am so tired of being alone, it is physically draining to feel this alone all the time. I just want somebody to exist with. any takers?

these scars still remain

I'm not actively suicidal but if a car were coming towards me, I probably wouldn't make an effort to move out of the way.

I'm not where I belong.

I just don't know anymore. I think it's kind of crazy how in all this confusion of my life and everything thats happening I can still think to you and feel better. I thought I knew what I wanted. I wanted him. I got him but something still doesn't feel right. I still love you. I want to be with you. I want you to break up with your girlfriend and be with me. and not just at parties. I want you to be mine. all the time.

smoke dreams.

the taste left in my mouth after a cigarette reminds me of you. I do love you. just as a friend and I'm sorry that I hurt you. if it makes you feel better, every cigarette reminds me of you.

I breathe you in with smoke.

I like the taste of cigarettes and alcohol on his breath more than yours.

game of chance.

I push people away. it's what I do. don't think that it's just you. it's not. it's everybody. everybody gets pushed away.

I think I saw you in my dreams.

I just want to sleep for a while.
because when I'm asleep I'm not bothering anybody.
I'm not disappointing anybody.
I'm not sad.
I'm not in pain.
I just want to sleep until I'm okay.
until my life gets back on track.
until I'm mentally stable again.
until I don't want to die.

stitching up the seams.

tell me what your worst fears are. I bet they look a lot like mine.

<3

•2 days clean•

spring fever.

you're planing on visiting me in the spring. I'm so scared. I'm scared that you'll see my scars and think I'm a freak. I'm torn between telling you now and risking losing you or waiting until you find out. but I'll lose you then too. oh my god I'm terrified. I'm really starting to like you but I just don't think that you would understand. I'm sorry in advance. I am so sorry.

now everybody's singing lalalalalalala.

I don't know. I don't know if you think this is funny or some sort of game but it's getting annoying. you know that I am crazy about you and that for some reason I always come back to you. it's the (...) situation all over again. the worst part is that I know how this is going to end, but I keep it going, I keep talking to you and I keep falling for you more and more and you just don't care. I know you don't. I hate you for not caring. I hate you for being JUST like him. but I hate myself more for caring and for wanting you.

wind.

I love hearing the crickets outside and being able to sleep with the window open.
I love the breeze that dances in through the curtains and kisses my bare skin. it tickles my ear and whispers 'summer is almost here, darling. hold on.' nights like these are what keep me going.
<3
~American Horror Story season one and tea time.

I can't feel a thing anymore.

I fall in love with the little things people do.
the way they chew their gum, or the way they drive. the little things that make a person who they are. like the look they get when their favorite song comes on the radio. how they speak about something they love. I notice the small details in a person. I'm captivated by all the little things. whether it's a best friend or a family member or a significant other. the small things become a part of me.

don't listen to a word they say.

I love the beginnings of relationships. not necessarily the very beginnings but the part where you know their favorite food and their favorite item of clothing. where you might have to ask them their favorite book again but you have their favorite band on lock. where it's still okay to ask a million questions and you know that each day comes the possibility of learning something new. where you're still learning the curves of their body and the way they look when they're lost in thought. where you've already fallen in love with the way they breathe at night and their messy morning hair. where they can still find subtle ways to surprise you. and how you just know that there's an unspoken understanding of each other. you begin to learn why they are the way that they are. I wish relationships were like that the entire time. and maybe if you're lucky enough that's the way it is the entire relationship. but more times than not I've seen couples lose their love and have it replaced with anger.

I left my heart at home.

um, hey.
I know this is really random but I miss you. I miss our countless conversations. the ones where we talked about running away to florida together and starting a family. the ones that were made up of mayday parade lyrics. I miss the morning messages. yours were my favorite. I miss staying up all night talking to you about our future. I miss how you would call me when you were drunk. it comforted me to know that I was on your mind. you called me drunk one time and told me how we were going to get married at six flags, you were so serious about it. I miss your 'I love yous'. I miss telling you how much I loved you. because I truly did. I miss everything about you. it's ridiculous.
I hated who you turned into. I hated how fast you moved on. and I hated feeling like I meant nothing to you when you meant everything to me. I hated how you kissed me when I was drunk. how you kept kissing me and telling me that you missed me. it was all lies, but I ate it up. you asked me if I would've slept with you if you hadn't had to leave and I said no. truth is, I would have. I am so glad that I didn't. because it wouldn't have meant anything to you and it would've meant so much to me. everybody that has walked out on me has taken a piece of my heart with them. you took the biggest piece. and I have a feeing I'm never going to get it back.

darling, I hope you're good tonight.

I don't even know if I like you. All I know is that I keep making efforts to keep you in my life.

doll face

since I've been withdrawn from school I've learned a few things.
first off I've learned who my true friends are. and it's been a bit shocking. it's not always the people who have been there the longest, and that's upsetting because you really expect those people to always be there for you. I've leaned to let those people go. to not worry about it. they walked out and there is nothing that I can do about it. I have to move on with my life and the longer I dwell on the past the harder it's going to be. I've accepted them walking out and I've also accepted the love and understanding of those who have remained by my side. it's not about the number of people who stayed, it's about the realness of those who did and the raw devotion they have to the friendship.
secondly I learned that my happiness solely depends on me. I am in control of my happiness. granted that dealing with depression makes it harder, I am still in control non the less. several times I've had to step back, take a breath and really ask myself what I want in life. or remind myself. it is so easy to get strayed from the path of happiness when there is so much negativity circulating around. you truly do just have to remind yourself what it is that makes you happy in this life and what you want out of it and get yourself back on track.
this journey has been difficult and I'm sure it won't get much easier. I just have to constantly remind myself to keep my head up and soldier on. things WILL get better. maybe not today, or tomorrow or even next week but they will. it takes time. times heals. always remember that.

I'll be here by the ocean just waiting for proof.

depression is like being in the middle of an ocean. one minute you're floating on your back, the sun is shining down on your face and a slight breeze is kissing your skin. you are in a state of serenity and anything feels possible. you feel amazing and ready to let the ocean hold you there as long as it wants to.
the next minute a giant wave comes crashing over you and pulls you under. you begin to panic and struggle towards the surface but the water is too powerful. it's gripping you with icy fingers and refuses to let go. you can feel the water filling your lungs. you think "how could this happen? everything was just fine, I didn't even see it coming." and you're just there, drowning under the water, no longer struggling towards the surface. falling down, down, down into this fast unknown of dark nothingness wondering if you'll make it back to the surface alive and honestly not even caring.
that's how depression works. you go from zero to sixty in the matter of seconds. from actually enjoying life to not even caring if you wake up in the morning.
it's even worse when people think that depression is something that can be controlled. yeah, there are medicines but they don't always work. in my case the doctors have been trying different medicines and different dosages, none seem to be fully working yet and it's frustrating. depression is not an act and it's something that I can't fix over night. believe me, if I could, I would.

dear future lover:
I will be a pain in the ass. I will annoy you with a thousand irrelevant questions. I am needy. I am an emotional wreck, please don't give up on me. I will have countless emotional breakdowns, but please don't leave me. I will want to do the silliest things, like lay out all night on the roof looking at the stars. I'll forget the small things, but not because I don't care, but because there are a million things running through my mind. I will make you listen to the same song twenty times in a row because it gave me a nostalgic feeling. Sometimes my depression will get the better of me and I'll want to stay in bed all day, please stay with me. tell me stories from your childhood to take my mind off of everything, even if just for a minute. I wont be able to sleep at night, I'll be up tossing and turning all night, just kiss me on the forehead and assure me that everything is going to be okay. I will stress about the future and about things that probably wont even happen. give me a hug and tell me that I'm just being dramatic. I will love you more than I could ever love myself. I will do everything in my power to make you happy. I will never leave your side, and I will support you in anything that you decide to do. thank you for loving every part of me. I love you to the ends of this world and back an infinite amount of times.
-A

on sleepless roads the sleepless go.

the nighttime is worst. my medication wears off and I am completely left alone with my thoughts. I lay there and think about everything that is wrong with me and everything that I am doing wrong in my life. I just need somebody to talk to at night, to get my mind off of everything until I can fall asleep. most nights I don't get to sleep until 2am. I just lay there and think and make myself feel awful. I hate it. I just want sleep. I don't want to be tortured by my thoughts anymore.

3,2,1 where did it go.

two years ago if somebody would've asked me what I thought my senior year would be like I would not have said anything close to what's happened. two years ago I thought that senior year was going be my year. I thought that surely I would have it all together, that everything would be perfect and that all my troubles would have vanished. I never thought that I would be in weekly therapy sessions battling depression. I say battling because it is a battle. everyday is a struggle to get better. it's honestly not even being able to make it from day to day, it's getting from one hour to another. I never thought that I would be on anti-depressants and anxiety medications. I never thought that I would quit cheer. I thought that I would have my college plans all figured out. I thought for sure that I would be getting a scholarship to the school of my dreams. I didn't plan on moving away just to suppress a mental breakdown.  I think that's the funny thing about life though. it is never what we expect. life will throw us the craziest curve balls and the wildest situations and we are expected to trudge through them and in most cases we do. things are going nowhere near how I thought that they would be going but that's honestly okay. I believe that everything happens for a reason and one day I'm going to be able to see why all this has happened.
"I am weakness. I am greatness."

you're just drunk, thinking about the past again.

you want to come and see me this weekend. when you told me I wasn't sure how to react. we haven't talked in months, we just kind of jumped in where we left off, which I was fine with because I had missed you terribly. I have this fear in the pit of my stomach that you'll be greatly disappointed once you meet me. darling, I'm a mess. or that you'll just use me and leave. I don't think that I could handle that. I don't think that I can handle seeing you, I can almost guarantee you that I'll fall in love with you. I don't want to take that chance, because I don't think you'd stay.